…and now in other news, here’s a lengthy and extremely random rant about TV (I’ll go as far as saying American TV because then my tirade will make a wee bit more sense).
Please remember that I don’t have cable or a satellite or TiVo or anything like that. I just have straight up TV (and Netflix). I’m sure if I had all of these other accoutrements I could find more to rage about:
1) Tony and Kate on Dancing with the Stars (DWTS). I’m not as big on reality TV as most, but my weakness is dancing shows (and The Amazing Race – which has its own top-of-the-pedestal place in my heart). I’m a dancing addict. I can’t dance at all – I look like (everybody say it with me) a dying duck in a thunderstorm when I dance, but that makes the watching of it all that more exhilarating. I blame my mother both for the two left feet and for the obsession with all things ballroom. We’ve been watching PBS (the first reality TV station) dance competitions ever since I can remember. It means I grew up with a healthy respect for the tango and took ballroom dancing as my college gym requirement (that class rocked even with my duckish tendencies). It also means I care more about the professional dancers and their choreography than I do for the B list celebrities appearing on DWTS. So imagine my chagrin this season when one of my all time favorite Latin pro dancers – Tony Dovolani – was partnered with Kate Gosselin (who is only famous for birthing six kids at once and putting them in their own reality TV show). I thought I’d be mostly OK with this – but then week 2 came around and Tony and Kate danced to the world’s slowest,gimpiest jive. I might have still gritted my teeth and tried to live with it if Kate hadn’t criticized Tony’s teaching abilities. What the !@#$^ Kate! He’s Tony Dovolani. Do you even understand what that means? I’m pretty sure – even though I don’t read a lot of Stephen King – I still wouldn’t walk up to him and tell him I didn’t like the way he turned a phrase or created a hell demon. I thought maybe they were going to go home after said dance. Tony stood through the elimination round with a pained expression on his face; quietly pleading to the dancing gods to go home first, have Kate suffer an injury, or maybe develop a crippling bout of the stomach flu (last season’s bane on the pro dancers). None of this happened. Tony and Kate were saved – and although usually a pro and his celeb embrace and cry and jump up and down – Tony’s reaction was lackluster at best. I’m sad. I want more for Tony and his teaching/choreography skills. We can only hope the voting audience puts him out of his misery soon.
2) DWTS on Who Wants to be a Millionaire. This week was a themed week on Millionaire. I’m actually fine with this – I enjoy their theme weeks, well most of them. No one but a syndicated game show would think to have a week where each contestant has the same name as a famous person. Then during said week they repeatedly tell the studio and at home audience the contestant is indeed NOT the famous person, all while showing pictures of the celeb next to the contestant to drive home their point. I don’t know about you, but I’m fairly certain Abraham Lincoln the contestant is not Abraham Lincoln the 16th President of the United States (The jury is still out on if both – or either one – of them was/is a Vampire Hunter though.) and I’m pretty sure as a game show, you are just condoning mothers who choose hideous names for their poor, defenseless children. But my biggest complaint about THIS week’s theme show is that I am not a contestant! In fact, no one even mentioned this week or gave me a DWTS test when I went to NYC and auditioned last fall. This is inexcusable; I could be a millionaire by now if only I’d known.
3) John Barrowman on Desperate Housewives. JOHN, WHAT ARE YOU THINKING! NOooooooooo! Why would you be on this worthless hour of weekly television? Why would you fall in the trap of nighttime soap opera and telenovela-esque drivel? You’re a good actor, singer and extremely hot dude; you have a niche on the BBC and on the London stage and yet here you are! [Insert extreme fists of fury here]. I actually don’t care how juicy the bad boy part seems – you are ruining your career! And to make matters worse, I just read that you are thinking about reprising your Dr Who/Torchwood role by brining Captain Jack and Torchwood across the pond. Really? I’m picturing a watered down Torchwood for American audiences – or more precisely for FCCified American broadcasting. I beg you not to do this – it will turn out to be just like Coupling, all of the British wit and cleverness will be rung out of it, leaving a limp, squiggy fish of a show that no one finds funny, thrilling or watchable. Beware the British-show-turned-into-American-show-syndrome. It’s only ever worked if the BBC is still involved (see #1 DWTS compared to the British version Strictly Come Dancing– both broadcast at the same time with two of the same judges flying back and forth each week and both BBC One productions).
See people, this is why books are always better. (Yes, this statement – like this entire blog post – is all failed logic, smoke and mirrors; but hey, that’s what makes it a rant. And I mean every word of it.)
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